


So You've Decided to Pursue a Career in Science

by Schm0use



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 08:48:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4257015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schm0use/pseuds/Schm0use
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'The woman was screaming, her hair now ablaze. Several of the associates swarmed her with a fire extinguisher. Others took notes. "Oh, dear." Caroline said. "Well, I suppose I see what the safety gear is for."' </p>
<p>Cave Johnson era, Caroline-centric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So You've Decided to Pursue a Career in Science

**SOMEWHERE IN UPPER MICHIGAN - 1949**

It really was incredible, Caroline thought, standing all alone in the middle of the vast entry lobby of Aperture Science Innovators.

She was trying very, very hard not to move, because every time she did her heels would click off the beautiful marbled floor and go echo, echo, echoing through the room, around the sweeping columns, and towards the high domed ceiling that seemed hundreds of feet above her head—and she didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to herself.

"It really is incredible," she mused to herself again, "what one man can achieve just by selling shower curtains."

"Not  _just_  by selling shower curtains!" A voice admonished from out of nowhere, making her jump. Another woman was approaching her from the hall to her right, but  _how_ , Caroline wondered, had she managed not to make a sound at all?

"Of—of course not." Caroline said quickly.

"Miss Laine?" The woman looked down over her glasses. She had a shrewd face, a strong New York accent, and also, Caroline noted, one of the stiffest woolen skirts she'd ever seen.

"Yes." Caroline tried an awkward curtsey, before realizing the other woman had extended her hand. Still half into her curtsey, Caroline took her hand, straightening up as she did so. "I'm here for the um… the secretarial job opening."

"I surmised as much. Call me Doris. I'm a certified Aperture Science Employee Evaluator." The woman looked her over. "Bit on the thin side, and your hair's a little out of fashion, isn't it?"

Caroline blinked. "I—"

"You'll do." The woman turned on her heel and began striding back down the hall from where she'd come.

Dumbstruck, Caroline watched her go. Halfway down the hall, Doris called over her shoulder,

"Well, are you just going to stand there with your mouth hanging open?"

Caroline closed her mouth. "Should I… follow you?" She called back.

"You're a real brain, aren't you?" Doris stopped, hands on her hips. "Would you come on?"

And she was off again. Gathering up her skirt—and the remainder of her courage—Caroline raced after her, her heels clattering loudly on the floor.

"Could you make any more of a racket?" Doris asked.

"No—I mean, yes? Um, sorry…" Caroline said.

"It's no big deal, it took most of us months to learn how to walk silently in heels." Doris shrugged. "But you should learn. It makes the Aperture Science Vestibule Caretakers very antsy."

"Oh." Caroline nodded. "You know, about earlier, I didn't mean to suggest that curtains were his only accomplishment—"

"Oh, they are." Doris said bluntly.

"…But you said—"

They had reached a door at the end of the hallway. Doris paused with her hand on the doorknob.

"I said  _shower curtains_  weren't his only accomplishment."

She threw open the door. Against her better judgment, Caroline felt her mouth falling open again.

They were standing on a catwalk above the floor of an enormous room. Here were the inner workings of Aperture Science. The building seemed to blossom below her, expanding into a brightly lit, energetic factory.

Hundreds upon hundreds of people milled about below, all of them working on curtains.

"Gee  _whiz_ …"

"Get used to it, Dorothy." Doris said dryly.

She started walking, Caroline following in her footsteps, head swiveling on her shoulders a thousand times a minute. To the left and right of the catwalk hung entire rooms suspended off the floor, all four walls made of glass, in which people toiled away busily in lab coats and safety gear.

"Down there are the Curtain Manufacturers." Doris said, pointing at the floor. "They really just do the manual labor, they take care of actually making the curtains once the plans are handed down by the Drapery Design Associates."

She swept a hand to her left and right.

"All these people work on  _curtains_?" Caroline asked, leaning over the railing to get a better look at the nearest room. Doris pulled her back with a sigh. "Why are they wearing protective gear? Is it very dangerous?"

"Of course not, they're just designing drapery." Doris rolled her eyes.

"Then why are they wearing safety goggles?"

Doris clicked her tongue in annoyance. "So that they  _look_  like they're doing something dangerous."

"But…"

"It looks good when safety officials visit for inspection." Doris explained.

Caroline nodded slowly. It seemed to make sense to Doris.

They passed a room that contained an entire model bedroom—strong gold lettering on the glass wall announced that this was Bedroom Blinds.

A group of Design Associates observed as one of the men stepped behind the bedroom's makeshift window, drawing the curtains. The light silhouetted him against the fabric as he began to take off his jacket.

Another man assumed a place on a giant red X in front of the window. Immediately, the  _curtains_  began to blare an alarm, and a loud voice announced: "ATTENTION. PEEPING TOM DETECTED. ATTENTION. PEEPING TOM DETECTED."

"Wow." Caroline said in amazement.

"I know." Doris responded. "It's the latest in keeping women feeling safe and secure in the home. They haven't yet worked out how to make it detect an actual peeping tom from a standard passerby, though. Gets to be rather unreliable when it sounds the alarm every time someone walks under the window. But they'll get it in the end."

Caroline nodded. "Of course."

Another room was categorized Kitchen Coverings. Two experiments were set up—both identical cooking stoves under identical kitchen window frames. The first was labeled Standard Kitchenette Curtains. An Associate observed a female test subject as she cooked a meal—suddenly, one of the long curtains caught fire from the stove.

The woman hurried away from the stove as Associates rushed to put out the fire.

"A common problem with most household kitchen curtains." Doris observed.

"Really?" Caroline said, surprised. "That's never happened to me in my life."

"Then you, Miss Laine, must not spend enough time in the kitchen." Doris said in admonishment.

This was a fact Caroline rather prided herself on, though she was quite sure Doris, who reminded her a bit of her mother, would not approve. Inside the room, the experiment was commencing at the second test station: the Aperture Science Brand Kitchenette Curtains. Like the Standard Curtains, these too caught fire and gently smoldered… before somehow putting themselves out as the woman test subject continued preparing her meal, unconcerned. The Design Associates applauded.

Caroline shook her head. "I never really had the time to cook while I was at school…"

In the background, the Aperture curtain suddenly and violently exploded into a fireball. Panic ensued.

"And you couldn't find a husband there?" Doris's eyebrows were raised incredulously. "Well, I suppose that's why you've come here."

Caroline decided against remarking upon this. In the awkward silence that resulted, they turned to look back at the test chamber. The woman was screaming (though they couldn't hear her through the glass walls), her hair now ablaze. Several of the associates swarmed her with a fire extinguisher. Others took notes.

"Oh, dear." Caroline said. "Well, I suppose I see what the safety gear is for."

"Yes…" Doris pursed her lips. "There's still a few issues to work out with the Self-Extinguishing Curtains."

"But they'll get it in the end, right?" Caroline offered.

"At least you learn fast." They continued walking. "But as you can now see, Miss Laine, the shower curtain is not our only means of income." Doris stopped in front of a final room. "It is, however, our most lucrative."

This chamber was simply labeled Shower Curtains. A man in a suit stood inside a bathtub and drew the curtain around him. Another Associate stood by a large table, on which a variety of instruments lay. The man turned on the water inside the shower.

"As you can see, Miss Laine, the curtains provide a flowing, opaque shape for comfort and privacy." Doris informed her as they watched the Associate outside the shower hoist a bucket off the table, "The curtains are both steam proof and waterproof."

The Associate hurled the contents of the bucket at the curtain—water. It splashed all over the floor.

"These elements can neither get in, nor out."

"That… makes sense." Caroline said.

"The curtains are also soundproof—"

Inside the room, the Associate cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled loudly at the shower. He put a hand to his ear, and upon receiving no response, he checked something off on his clipboard.

"—childproof—"

The Associate threw a large doll at the curtain. It bounced off, flopping innocuously to the ground.

"—fireproof—"

He hefted a flamethrower off the table, pulled down his safety goggles, and unleashed hell. Caroline winced as the flames blasted the shower curtains—but they left only a small tarnished black smear when the equipment was shut off.

"—bulletproof—"

Caroline gasped as the Associate grabbed a pistol from the table, cocked the hammer back dramatically, and fired a full clip into the shower curtain. The bullets pinged off in different directions harmlessly.

"—bigger-bulletproof—"

The Associate grabbed two machine guns off the table and gripped them under his arms, face set. With a mighty yell, he unleashed them both on the curtain, spraying back and forth until both magazines were exhausted. The curtain was unscathed.

"—and finally, come equipped with revolutionary air drying technology when you are finished with your shower." Doris finished.

Caroline gaped as the curtains slid back open, and the first man stepped out of it, suit impeccably dry. He gave the Associate a thumbs up. "Who could possibly need all that?"

"Who  _doesn't_?" Doris countered wisely. "Aperture Science understands that you are at your most defenseless—your most  _vulnerable_ —during your daily shower."

"I suppose that's true, in a way…" Caroline considered.

"Who wants to experience that kind of terror day in and day out?" Doris continued. "Not you. And certainly not  _America_."

"Certainly not!" Caroline agreed.

"Here at Aperture, we say  _no_  to unsafe showers. We say  _no_ to dangerous dips. We say  _no_ … to fear."

Caroline clapped enthusiastically, feeling unexpectedly inspired. "Oh, that's something! That's really wonderful."

"So what do you say, Caroline?" Doris asked intently, her eyes seeming to pierce right through Caroline's soul. Caroline waited with bated breath for her next words. "Are you ready to come work for Aperture Science Innovators?"

"Yes!" Caroline nearly shouted, then caught herself. "Sorry, I mean, yes. I am."

"That's what I like to hear."

"I just have one question." Caroline said.

"And that is?" Doris asked, tapping her foot impatiently.

"How is it you  _do_  all this stuff?"

Doris smiled. "Asbestos." She turned away, motioning for Caroline to follow her. "Lots and lots of asbestos."

***

Five minutes later, Caroline was filling out release forms.

"And sign here. And here." Doris was sitting on the edge of the desk. "And there. And right where that X is. And initial here. And here."

"My, this is really a..." Caroline shook her hand out with a grimace. It had started to cramp. "...a _lot_ of paperwork." _  
_

"Caroline." Doris said, in a voice that suggested she was addressing a two year old. "You may have noticed that, here at Aperture, we have a propensity to encounter many unexpected, occasionally…  _rousing_  experiences. We have to be prepared for any eventuality."

"Like what?"

Doris gave her a sour look. She tapped the paper and opened her mouth to respond.

The door burst open.

"Morning, Doris!"

Both women stared in confusion as a tall man with impeccable hair waltzed into the room. He flashed Caroline a charming grin.

"Excellent!" He said. "Glad to see you're here! Doris, spectacular evaluation work as usual, although I must say, you should have notified me upon her arrival."

"Uh, Mr. Johnson—"

Caroline did a double take.  _Mr. Johnson?_

The man was inspecting Caroline curiously. "A bit on the small side for some of the more rigorous exercises, wouldn't you say?" He laughed jovially. "Joking, only joking. But seriously, lunch after this. My treat. No, it's no problem, don't mention it!"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Carol—"

"That's  _nice_ , Doris. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to head on down to my office, get her situated. Come on, Sheryl."

"It's Caroline—" Caroline tried to correct him, but he was already steering her out the door. She looked desperately back at Doris but the other woman seemed just as hopelessly confused.

The man led her to an impressive looking elevator. They were already on the ground floor, but he hit a button below that one. A button labeled TS 1. The elevator began to travel down.

"Excuse me, what's going on—"

"You did apply for the job, didn't you?" The man asked. He grabbed her by the shoulders and leaned in very close to her face, squinting at her closely. Caroline leaned back, vaguely alarmed. "You're not one of those religious door-to-door people, are you? Because we've had to fumigate the building twice already and I'm not spending another dime on exterminators."

"Are you Cave Johnson?" Caroline blurted out. The man blinked.

"Well, yes. Yes I am." He stared at her. "…There are pictures of me all over this place, how could you be unsure of this?

"You're Cave Johnson!"

Cave's smile took on a rather fixed quality to it. "Cathy…"

"Caro—"

"How do I put this?" He put his hands on her shoulders. "I'm starting to worry you're not quite up to the basic intelligence requirements we usually prefer in our test subjects." He looked away, muttering irritably. "If NASA's skimping out on us again, I'll sue every last one of their four-eyed, sweater vest wearing asses."

"No!" Caroline yelped. Cave blinked at her.

"No, what? Because I assure you, my legal team is un-be- _lievable_."

"No, I'm not stupid!" Cave still had his hands on her shoulders. Timidly, she reached up to grip his forearms. "It's just… an  _honor_  to meet you, Mr. Johnson."

"Oh. Well, I suppose it probably is, isn't it?"

It occurred to Caroline that the elevator was  _still going_. Slowly, she turned towards the doors.

"Mr. Johnson?"

"What's that, Coraline?"

"My name is Caroline—what did you call me before? A… test subject?"

Cave smiled at her, encouraging. "Indeed I did. Congratulations on your new job!"

_Ding_. The elevator doors slid open.

Caroline stepped out of them and came to a dead halt. She couldn't take another step. Not now that she could finally see where the elevator had brought them.

Cave strode past her, oblivious. "Right this way, Chrysanthemum!"

"Mr. Johnson!" Caroline cried shrilly. He turned back, eyebrows raised in an unasked question. "Two things."

Cave inclined his head, listening. "Yes?"

"One." Caroline took a step forward. "My name is  _Caroline_. Caroline Laine."

He laughed heartily. "Well, why didn't you say so? What's the second thing?"

Caroline shook her head to calm herself. She took a deep breath. She balled her fists at her side. And with a voice so loud it echoed off the water that lapped the man-made pathway she was standing on, off the massive bronze spheres and underground buildings around her, off the towering walls of the unfathomably deep cavern she had found herself at the bottom of, she yelled:

" _WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?_ "

Cave smiled.

"Welcome to Aperture Science, Caroline."


End file.
